5 mistakes divorced parents make highlight the blunders made by separated and later divorced couples. Children of divorce often feel the hardest hit by the breakup of their parent’s marriage. Some children become peace brokers between fighting exes, often stuck in the middle trying to cope with the loneliness of losing a mother or father who has suddenly moved out. Other children are left to deal with parents who are unable to handle everyday duties, such as preparing dinner or assisting with school work.
A good number of children carry the scar of divorce into adulthood. These are wounds that shouldn’t have been inflicted in the first instance. However split spouses can control the damage by managing their own behaviour in the early days of the divorce.
Find below tips on how to break up without destroying the children emotionally for good.
Making Your Child The Story Carrier
One of the 5 mistakes divorced parents make is turning the child into a talebearer. When there is coldness between the spouses, the children are made to become the mouthpiece of each parent. This brings unnecessary emotional stress and pushes them to handle a situation their own parents could not manage. A great communication tool nowadays is emailing. Email provides the opportunity to discuss the specifics and practicalities of raising your child without going into undesirable areas and thereby opening old wounds.
If there is the need to discuss with your ex face-to-face or over the phone, remain focused on the task at hand most importantly, don’t be provoked into anger if she or he becomes verbally aggressive. Ensure you insist on doing what you are there to do in the first place; which is to discuss the children’s school fees or school progress. Refuse to be boxed into a shouting match. Remember your child’s emotional health depends on it.
Thinking Your Child Is A Psychotherapist
As much as teenagers love to be in control, parents who break up tend to turn their lives upside down. Do not fall into the temptation of discussing divorce details or your negative feelings about your ex with your older kids. While grown-up kids are forced into a conciliatory feeling of ‘understanding’ what’s going on, you still need to remain the parent and remain on top of things. If you need outside help, get it if necessary, and maintain the boundaries of the child-parent relationship. Making your child your co-conspirator in the divorce saga is another one of the 5 mistakes divorced parents make. At the end of the day, it does the child more harm than good.
Don’t Understand Your Child’s Feelings
5 mistakes divorced parents make include not understanding their children’s feelings after a divorce. Children need to feel you know and understand them especially since their feelings may be in a confusing state. Entertain their thoughts. Do not plod them into your own thoughts. While it might be difficult, try not to criticise your ex in their presence.
For instance, if your child’s outer behaviour is tilting towards the uncertainty of meeting with his or her dad’s girlfriend, try to confirm the thoughts. You just need to hear it and don’t necessarily need to have a solution. All you need to do is listen. It helps. Place attention on your child’s feelings, not yours. Inner healing comes through an affectionate connection and from being understood.
Always Digging for Information
If your child has spent a weekend away with your ex, avoid digging for information about what’s happening in your ex’s house. Treat your child’s visit to your ex as any other visit to a grandparent, an aunt, or uncle. Admit it could be double jeopardy: If you say nothing, your child will be stressed thinking he must pigeonhole both worlds while treading carefully around this other experience. If you say something, pecking for information puts the child right in the middle which is an unbearable position emotionally. The solution? Ask your child only fun and general questions, which dissolve the tension. And then leave it be.
Destroying Your Child Emotionally
Emotional damage to a child is the last of the 5 mistakes divorced parents make. It is never too late to undo emotional damage from a horrible separation. Children forget and forgive easily, at least until they reach their later teen years when rage becomes more entrenched. If you think you’ve erred in the past, it is crucial to do the following:
- Saying you’re sorry goes a long way with your kids. So go on and apologise.
- Give a comprehensive explanation of what you’ve done wrong, and then pledge to change this behaviour from that time on.
- Agree a safe and specific sign between you and your child that signals you stop whenever you start blaming your ex again. For example, tell your child to raise his or her hand to signal in no uncertain terms you’re doing it again and need to stop promptly. https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/separation-divorce-impact-on-family/
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